Nick Weibel
English : A
10/24/08
College Essay
It was the first time I had ever been put in a very scary situation, a couple days after my seventh birthday. My parents had been yelling at each other for a long time. I’m sure people down the street shared thought of domestic violence but it never reached a dangerous level. This was the turning point in my life. I had grown up holding both my parents with the deepest respect. But what was about to happen made me think very differently of every thing around me. It was a couple of hours after thy stopped yelling my dad came into the kitchen, his eyes were soaked, and blood shot from the dispute earlier. He took me out to the front porch out side our slider door where my Alaskan malamute usually slept. He took me close, hugged me, than placed his hand on my shoulder and told me that him and my mother were going to be separated. I couldn’t have been any more anxious than I was. Wanting to know what he was about to say and the fear I had of what he was about to say drove me to tears.
“I’m sorry to hurt you son. This isn’t about you two at all. Me and your mother have lost the love we had for each other in the beginning.”
“Who are we going to live with?” What are we going to do?” I said to him while I had tears running down my cheek. Then of course he goes to his room packs up some things and drives off leaving me and my mother.
This above all things affected my life the most. Before that I day I didn’t know that married couples could get divorced. It was a grim reality dropped on my head. I didn’t know what to do with it. I wanted to be with my father, but the law made me live and move with my mother and sister. The worst part about it was losing my friends that I made in elementary school. My mom eventually moved to New Haven Connecticut, an hour away from where we had first lived. My mom had been given a job at Yale University, this is why I do not blame her at all for moving us away from our father because she only wanted to take care of us.
Moving to Connecticut wasn’t all bad I met a lot of new people that eventually became good friends that I still have even though I moved back to Mass. While I lived in Connecticut I wasn’t isolated from my father at all. I was able to see my dad every other weekend which if that didn’t happen I would probably go crazy and move out of my moms house at a younger age.
These are the things that affected my life the most, for good, and for bad.
11 comments:
Nice Weeb
Sooo I'm totally going to leave you a comment in this college essay comment instructions thing :D
1. I'm sorry that had to happen to you at a such a young age, I know it must have been tough. Reading it, I know how you felt when your father told you what was going to happen.
2. You wrapped up the essay well, except for I think you should have made it longer. Also, you should give it a title other than "College Essay"
3. My favorite part was "It was a couple of hours after thy stopped yelling my dad came into the kitchen, his eyes were soaked, and blood shot from the dispute earlier." because it was really descriptive.
4&5. There was no errors or problems that I found, except for I think you could have made it longer. I'm sure you would have a lot more to say.
I can definitely visualize what was happening, good detail. I wish there was a better ending though. It kept me wanting to read more until I was finished.
the story kinda made me sad because i know how it feels to have your parents separated and the story was very nicely written. the title isnt very original and probly could be better to grab the readers attention. "I was able to see my dad every other weekend which if that didn’t happen I would probably go crazy and move out of my moms house at a younger age."
i liked this part because its the same for me because at my fathers its like a place for me to get away from everything like a mini vacation.
very good essay but probly could have given alittle more information about why you liked goin to your dads and why it would make you crazy not to go there.
1. my personal reaction was i was into the story it kept me paying attention which is usually pretty hard.
2.your title is the same as mine, so nice pick. and yes the lead grabbed my attention.
3. i cant really just pick one part i enjoyed the story overall.
4.to be honost, the thing that distracted me the most was probably when you said something about an alaskian thing which i dont know what it is so i was cnofused.
1. im sorry to ehar you had to go through that. it must of been so hard.
2. you should hnik of a title to go with this becasue its an aamzing essay.
3. i like the detail in this story
your strong. dont give up.
I. this made me want to cry myself. it horrible that had to happen. reading it reminded me of what my family went through. its never easy.
II. there was no other title than college essay.
III. "I had grown up holding both my parents with the deepest respect. But what was about to happen made me think very differently of every thing around me."
IV/V. i thought it was well written.
- I thought this was a good essay. It was sad, but very personal which i thought was nice to read. I could imagine the scenes you described.
-The title wasn't creative or unique, but don't feel bad because I chose the same title.
-I thought the part of the story that captured my attention most was the beginning, when you are introducing the events that are to come.
-I did notice a few spelling and grammar mistakes. Also, the last paragraph was a little short. Other than that great job!
-If you add a little bit more of a conclusion to your final paragraph you'll be all set.
My Persona reaction to this story is sad. After reading it I really feel bad for what he had to go threw at such a young age. All I can picture from reading this story is a little boy crying. It must have been difficult growing up from that point on. From moving around, going to new schools, and meeting new friends, it must have been hard.
The lead definitely caught my attention, and the ending was wrapped up well. The ending also left me with a lot to think about. For example it left me thinking about how hard it must have been for him, something that big made a major impact on his life and he was strong and got threw it.
My favorite part of the story was when he moved to Connecticut and met some new friends. Friends are always the key when you’re struggling with something. I don’t really have a favorite line, but the first couple of sentences are very well put together, you can tell he put a lot of thought and feeling into his essay.
I don't think this story needs to change I think it is good the way it is. This story is put together so well, when I read it I could feel the pain that he went threw. He did an awsome job putting this essay together.
1] How superstition and fate effects people. Clear and engaging because using examples from Macbeth.
2]The strongest quote is “We will proceed no further in this business. He hath honour’d me of late; and I have bought Golden opinions fro all sorts of people, which would be worn now in their newest gloss, Not cast aside so soon” because it best shows the superstition and fate of Macbeth.
3] Well organized with ideas and details "With an extremely eerie expression on his face Macbeth struck down one of the guards daggers with a force that rumbled through the sleeping kingdom"
4]No suggestions except to beef up your conclusion :D
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